Random KD News and Comment - By "Gossip Girl"
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EditorialDamn them yankees! You can trust them to cock it up for everyone...You may have noticed that there hasn't been an issue of Not The KD News for a while. This is due to the Credit Crunch, caused by the Yank Banks. Times are hard, and whilst dodgy little companies such as Northern Rock, Woolworths and DFS couldn't weather the storm, NTKDN seemed to be in a better position. However, the receivers were eventually called in, and a great institution ceased to be. After some ass-whipping (I think that should be asset stripping - ed) the rag has been re-launched as an occasional publication with minimal production costs. We hope you like it. If you don't, tough! NTKDN was originally published weekly, and once published was never altered. In contrast, this gossip rag will grow like a blog, and when the page gets too big it will be sealed and archived. So please scroll down from time to time, to read the latest goss. Trevisms
Here are a few of Trev's recent goofs...
Randomosity(Jeremy Clarkson voice) And now it's over to our tame idiot.. Some say he lives in a coal bunker, and has Polish Cheesecake for brains. All we know is he's called "The Trev", and he drives a skip. G1LOP intends to apply for the post of assistant Minister of Disinformation Toby actually got something right - he said it was snowing - and it was! G1DCU's new mnemonic (as coined by G7GCS) is "G1 Dont Call Us" (if you break down). And Toby's is "Yellow Green Twit", although Kuith would prefer to call him "Young Gentleman Trevor". Kuith Dickens is officially the keeper of the Queen's English. Muchas Torres is the spanish for "many bulls", apparently. They're probably responsible for all the bulldung talked on KD. According to Eddie, in America, every corner you turn leads to wilderness. But in the British Isles, every corner leads to more history. Toby thinks a "retort" is a Bunsen Burner. It's actually a quick, witty or angry reply, repartee, or a vessel used for distilling. What else can you expect from a man who goes round knocking innocent young thugs off their skateboards? If you go down to the woods in Highley, you can fill your haversack with free coal, dumped there from the pit years ago. Toby has some in his bunker and thinks he may burn some if the weather stays cold. (Yes, in fact he did burn some the next day) Why is it that those who complain about people not giving callsigns, never give a callsign? Space, The Final FrontierWhat have the yanks achieved in space? Doc says they made water out of urine and sweat. The exact opposite of what a redneck does. That's an acheivement. A female astronaut with a bag of tools on one arm and handbag on other, decided to put her make up on,dropping the tools, which drifted off into space. Trev thinks they should send up a spacecraft with a big magnet to mop them up. That's if they're magnetic - are King Dicks magnetic? Trev ponders thay point... Of course they're magnetic, they're made from steel. Just imagine how useful an aluminium spanner would be! Ah, King Dicks... that causes Eddie to reminisce about UNF threads and such like. And Trev, having lived longer than Methusala (and done more jobs), remembers UNF threads, because he used to turn things like that when he was a lathe operator. Eddie says the yanks left behind a load of spanners after the last war, but they didn't fit our bolts so they were useless. According to Eddie, there were only 3 milestones in space... Trev keeps going on about them taking up a strap-on toilet and losing a toilet in space, but thinks this would be handy if you get taken short up there. You could just bump into a floating toilet. He's going senile, bless him! Hydrogeny
Initially, Kuith was reluctant to reveal to us exactly what was in his parcel, leading some to speculate that it was an "adult" item, maybe a blow up doll? AudiologyAs one ages, one's hearing gradually declines, and Toby is living proof of this hypothesis. DeeCuuYou's work mate, who's in the T.A, was being posted to Afghaniraq, so his colleagues had clubbed together to buy him a tankard. Toby mis-heard and thought they'd bought him a tank! Hello Bob M1CYI
Daryl's Secret
Welcome Vicki WB4JLJ
She lives in Pensecola Beach, Florida, famous for sharks and the air force base where "Top Gun" was filmed, or something like that.. Our very own "Minister of (Dis)information", Timeout Toby always calls it "Pepsi-cola beach". Vicki is learning to fly, and we think she harbours a secret ambition to be Top Gun. Marigold's Xmas LightsOnly 3 months left till Christmas, Winterval, Yule, whatever you wish to call it!! Perpetually in chaos, Marigold always leaves it till the very last minute to put up the decorations, and is frequently outside at 11pm Christmas Eve stringing lights up, a good month after everyone else. Well, not this year... She's got them up already!!! That's because she never got around to removing them last year though. She thought it would be rather a hoot to turn them on at Midsummer, and it was. Trouble is, those 120 red "berry" lights have faded to white in the summer sunshine. Sex
We know this because they haven't got the bottle to use their own voices, preferring to hide behind synthesised female voices. Spineless yellow pansies! Are they afraid we'll recognise them? They'll probably shit their frilly panties and have a swoon when Ofcom turn up at their doorstep. All very big when hiding behind their samplers and voice synthesisers, but in reality, totally gutless. We'll enjoy seeing how big they are in front of a judge. What a hoot!!Oh dear, a little bird (or should that read mole ;-) tells us we ruffled a few feathers down in the jammers' lair, and we're laughing our socks off!!! Why can't you lot get it? It's simple enough.... If you don't like KD and the people who use it, then don't listen to it, and don't break the law by jamming it. If you don't use KD, what reason have you to stick your nosy beaks into our website, and why are you taking any notice of what's written here? This is a site about KD, not about you. If you think we're talking about you, then it's a case of "if the cap fits..." You're either paranoid, a jammer, or someone who's anti-KD. Have we mentioned any names? Perhaps you have a guilty conscience? Otherwise, why are you even bothered? They're just words on a website. You reap what you sow. If you sow bullshit, don't be surprised if you get something unpalatable in return. But if you're not a jammer, and you're not anti-KD, then we have absolutely no axe to grind with you! Leave us alone, and we'll leave you alone. End of. Get it? Simples. Fell of the back of a lorryDaryl's been buying dodgy meat from Halfpenny Green boot sale. 50 quid for 150 quid's worth of beef... He couldn't have noticed the blue dye marking it unfit for human consumption. Now we know where all those burps on the repeater were coming from! The Pied Piper of JamelinWith apologies to Robert BrowningJamelin town's in Worcesteshire, Prats! Hurricane TrevToby nearly got blown over by a gust of autumnal wind on his way back from the co-op the other day. Luckily we has able to save himself by holding onto a pole. See, you BNP-voting knockers of foreign workers, they do have their uses after all!
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Health MattersA December Monday starts with a discussion about colds, chest infections and remedies. Eddie has a bad cold and chest infection. The doctor wont give Eddie antibiotics, and no-one gets the point that antibiotics are for treating bacterial infections, and are not effective against the viruses that cause colds. Someone chipped in to say that you can still buy a Wrights coal tar burner, whatever that is! Trev's favourite remedy, ginger beer, is for sore throats not colds. Trev recommends herbal sleeping pills from Sainsburys, but Eddie says they don't work. Old Mother Toby goes on to recommend a Hop Pillow, Lavendar Bags, Valerian, and as a last resort, a left uppercut. Spring Town Needs You!
Skype and Mobiles
Bio-DieselWhilst on the subject of mobiles (or mo-bulls if y'all live in Springtown), do you hate the chancellor, and do your best to defraud the Inland Revenue whenever possible? Then you've probably thought of using bio-diesel. Here's how it works... Stage 1 - You burn loads of fuel driving around chip shops and chinkies, trying to scrounge used cooking oil. You get chased with meat cleavers, doused with trans-fats, and have the odd dog-thighbone thrown at you. If you're lucky you might score a barrel of stinking brown grease that no-one else wants, and carry it home to work your magic. Stage 2 - Convert this waste product into crystal clear bio-fuel, using a complex chemical process... Nah, bugger that! Chemicals cost money. You're a ham - you don't spend money (except on beer and fags) (note for the yanks - fags is an English word meaning cigarettes, although we're not sure of the intended meaning here!) Nope, you just slap in in the tank and sputter off to the next chippy, emitting vile smoke, and leaving behind a heady and complex aroma of cod and crispy duck. Stage 3 - Pay the fuel duty. Yes, Gay Gordon Brown's puppet chancellor thinks you should pay tax on this stuff. Let's face it, they've got to pay for the Big Brother state somehow. What will they spend your taxes on? Well, one thing will be more computer systems to catch you out in future.... Think I'm joking? There's the DVLA database and the Motor Insurance Database, and the Criminal Records Bureau and the Child Protection Register, the Credit Reference Agency, the NHS computer, and god knows how many other databases that have sprung up since New Liar came into office. What happens when the data is aggregated, and processed by Crime-Bot software? All sorts of micro-crimes could be revealed and prosecuted retrospectively, to raise even more revenue! Anyway, that's going a little off topic, back to the bio-diesel. Once again, as a ham, you don't like spending money, so you don't tell the taxman. Stage 4 - Enjoy your motoring. Hahahahaha! After every 30 miles (assuming you can actually drive anywhere because the traffic's so bad) you have to stop and de-gunge the fuel injectors. And clean out the fuel filter and water trap. And buy Swarfega to clean your hands. And buy new clothes because you stink of chip fat. Wonderfuel! Just go and buy proper diesel you cheapskate. Boring!Why on Earth do "Old Men" have to spoil the fun by talking about Amateur Radio on GB3KD? Who gives a fig about Morse Code, vintage receivers, G5RV's and the like? Gastronomy
Up pipes Fast Eddie, the local Fillet Steak expert, wanting to know how much the posh food shop was asking for Fillet Steak? Apparently in Kiddy it ranges from £9.50/lb to £26.95/lb, and is expensive because there's only one fillet steak per beast (Gossip Girl imagines a bull sidling up to a cow, moo-ing softly in her ear "Mmmm, you have the loveliest fillet steak I ever saw!"). Don't animals usually have two of most things? Anyway, Eddie can tell you the price of Fillet Steak for every supplier over the past few years. Toby (now don't forget he's the minister of disinformation!) tells us that hedgehog is very nice, and tastes like chicken. That's probably what he's having with his mushroom sauce. Cue for a song from a familiar advert - "I feel like hedgehog tonight, like hedgehog tonight!". You get a variety of meats with hedgehog, because they are laden with fleas. Supposedly the Kidderminster natives used to roll them in clay and chuck them on the fire. Toby's mad on smoky bacon and pickle sandwiches, but the downside is that he's eating too much bacon. Incidentally, you can't get smoky bacon in Highley... maybe that's because Toby's eaten it all? Gossip Girl Can't Spell!Desperate Doc thinks y'all mis-spelt Spring Town, but here's a question for you Doc... how many lawyers are there in Spring Town? If we spelt it correctly, it's a doggone certainty that someone, somewhere, would sue us! We've been there before. Anyone remember Hornerbrook? Toby's Car Battery
You'd expect a long standing radio ham of Toby's calibre would have a battery charger, but no, he has to call his 86 year old brother in law, to defibrillate the battery for him. But it was all in vain; The car ran for a while, then failed to start next time. By the time you read this, Toby should be back from Bridgenorth Tyres and Batteries with a new battery. In true ham spirit, he's keeping the old one. We just hope it isn't a fault with the alternator! Ironically, all the money he saved on bus fares, he's now had to pay out for a new battery because he wasn't using the car.... Mind you, it's a good job Tobes isn't driving, because he thinks the national speed limit is 80mph!! Another Ex-Pat
Evil Auntie MaryNo, we're not talking about body parts :-) Despite the "Evil" tag, Auntie Mary's long-lost sister isn't so bad. She's actually quite funny, and is never rude. But she has many foul-mouthed imitators who are giving her a bad name! That's a pity. Retribution?Being deadly serious for a moment (and that's rare) it has come to our attention that there was a plan to kidnap certain jammers and throw them, hooded and bound with cable ties, from a speeding car. We don't condone this, but we have no control over what angry people will do :-( Where's Eddie?Has he sunk without trace into a pool of elephant poo? Update: Eddie is alive and well, still talking to Ozzies on Monday mornings. He claims he's been in jail for nicking lead off church roofs. He's a responsible thief though - he takes green tarpaulin with him to cover the hole! FAO Mr. ParanoidYou know we're talking about you don't you? Only you can see the hidden meanings in this page, and you know it's all aimed at you. ha ha! Scary
Fish Pie
Unfortunately, he forgot to include Gossip Girl in that gagging order... Have you tried Spam?Their propaganda would have us believe we've got our very own KD jamming society, with members spread far and wide, even in Kidderminster. Laughable! About as effective as that stupid petition. The product of deranged brains. If we've got jammers in Kidderminster, they're not doing a very good job, 'cos we never hear them! Unless they're the silent controllers. Now there's a thought... Jammers in Lye, Wolverhampton, Gornal.. all hogwash. Most of the jamming on KD is perpetrated by one schizophenic individual, and when he's not around it's funny how all the other imaginary jammers aren't around either! What's the motivation for a bunch of grown (some may say overgrown) men spending day after day waiting to pounce on Trev, and riding all the way down to Kidderminster packed like sardines in their overloaded rust buckets to jam KD? We gain great satisfaction in watching them waste fuel, but are puzzled as to why they're willing to invest so much time and money on this peurile venture? Is it some sort of cult perhaps? We bet their wives / boyfriends would be really proud of them if they knew what they were up to. Ask yourself what would they gain by getting KD closed down? Accolades maybe? The jammers themselves are just pawns in a bigger game. If KD gets closed down, they will have deprived themselves of their sport, so there's no point, unless they're being brainwashed by someone who stands to gain something. We hope those accolades are worth the court cases, confiscations and fines boys! Go Go Hamster!This year's Xmas toy tipped to be popular is "Go Go Hamster", refreshingly cheap at only 9.99. Apparently they run around like a real hamster, they make noise like a real hamster, but none of the mess of a real hamster! They teach responsibility, and are an ideal alternative to a real pet. What's that got to do with the price of smoked mackerel? We'll leave you to figure that one out... Ducks Quack Persistently
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A Trevism is a malapropism used consistently by Timeout Trev, who believes it to be the correct word! Some people use malapropisms for comical effect, others slip them out accidentally, but Toby just doesn't know the right word. Even when he's corrected, he'll carry on using the malapropism. For example, Trev says "Bronical Mixture", and someone else says, "Do you mean Bronchial Mixture?" "Yes, that's it", says Trev, "Bronical mixture!"
Oh the irony! Kuith queues in the rain at the sorting office waiting to collect a parcel containing a Knirps umbrella. This is a man who says he never goes out in the rain. Apparently, Knirps brollies are German, and so good that Harrods don't stock them. Eddie thinks the Brits make the best umbrellas in the world because we have the most rain. Tell that to the Indians! Toby goes off to Google Knirps...
Bob (who's reputedly very ugly, despite a diet of rabbit food) was disappointed that he wasn't featured in this rag, so we've decided to cheer him up by giving him a mention. We hope he's got a thick skin, or he'll wish he'd kept his mouth shut! Bob likes using strings of LEDs to spell out words like "HELP" on his lawn.
Toby thinks Daryl (AKA Postman Pat, and also reputedly so ugly that his reflection hides from him) has a secret pastime - walking the streets of King's-Pig-Ford in high heels and short tartan skirt, carrying a flourescent bag. Daryl has so far refused to deny this. Hmmm, maybe that's why we never hear him in the mornings, nor after 8pm?
Vicki professes to be an Anglophile, and loves the incomprehensible accent of Daryl. In fact she must be the only person who understands what he says! However, she also likes Scotland!
Never fails to get people's attention :-) How strange that the jammers, who make a habit of insulting everyone else's sexuality, obviously have no testicles of their own!
Howdy pardner! Do y'all like a rootin' an a tootin' an a gunslingin'? Ya do? Well mosey on down to Springtown, where men are men, and women are... men too..., and faggots are afraid. Y'all can live in the forest in ya RV's, with no neighbours in shootin' range, eatin' dogs and bobcats, and talkin reeeal funny. Form a radio club with just one member, 'cos y'all got no runnin' water for a tub. Shoot at anyone who comes near, pay no taxes, drink Bud, and tan ya neck in the suuunshine. Yee-ha!
G0HLM was urging Kuith Dickens to get on Skype, so they could have a good chat and leave the repeater free for mobiles. Derrrrrr... what mobiles? The repeater is free most of the time! So why not use it? It's a proven fact that activity breeds activity, and conversely inactivity breeds inactivity. It's no good belly-aching that the repeater is dead all the time, whilst you're jabbering away on Skype.
Kuith Dickens went to a posh food store in Ludlow to ogle at the exotic food. He says it makes him feel good to look at it, even if he can't afford to buy anything, and urges Timeout Toby to visit the place - a sort of gastromic tourism. In return, Tobes recommends The Crown at Hopton Bank, where his cousin used to work, although to be fair that was probably 20 years ago and the place is probably a block of flats housing Polish workers by now. Kuith had treated himself to a Pheasant and Bacon Pie. Meanwhile Toby had been to get a jar of "Chicken Tonight" mushroom sauce from the Co, which he planned to have with Turkey.
Toby has been giving his bus pass a good work out recently, leaving his car pining away in the garage. And as a result of this neglect, it's gone and caught battery flu, and now won't start.
KD seems to have more American users than locals! The latest one to join the ranks is Ted W7XRX, originally from Great Barr. Is he insane or what? This guy was actually heard to say he wanted to be in the Rogues' Gallery. Ha ha, what a mistake. Your wish is Gossip Girl's command Ted! You may live to regret it.
Rumour has it that Timeout Toby was one of the exhibits at the recent Belbroughton Scarecrow Festival!
Captain Adrian ordered Seven Of Nine NOT to reveal that he was making fish pie and salad for tea. It would seem that domesticity is not good for his manly image.
Jim's been exercising his new callsign, and we set about trying to find alternative phonetics for it... Jim seems to prefer Duck & Quail Pasty (or pate if your posh), but we prefer Don Quixote's Pony. Then there's "Do it Quietly and Passionately", "Drink Quickly Please", "Doing Quaint Pastimes", "Double Quantum Protons"... there's no end to what you can do with a "Q"..