A collection of some of the things frequently overheard on GB3KD...
"So there we are" and "So there you go" and "Anyway"
Pointless utterances, made when the speaker can't think of anything to say, but can't bring himself to relinquish control of the microphone.
"****ing space bar"
Frequently muttered in exasperation by Echolink users, when the space bar (which controls transmission) fails to respond because the operator has played with his mouse.
"Saykyahma CQ es pas alla sculcha"
One of many incantations used by Timeout Toby when trying to summon the spirits from distant lands with his magic DTMF pad.
"Woof! WOOF!"
Heard prominently in the background of every over from the Vicar Of Sion Hill, Jenny is nearly as famous as Dave himself.
"Shuuuurrrrrup will ya!
Exasperated outburst directed at Jenny when she gets too vocal, due to the neighbour pulling faces at her.
"I don't use repeaters"
Ha ha! For someone who doesn't use repeaters, you're doing a darned good impression of someone using a repeater...
"I can hear everyone better on the input"
This phrase is often (although not solely) used by those who wish to boost their own ego. Are we supposed to worship them in awe? The fact is, almost everyone can hear things better than the repeater, because it's down in a valley and has lots of filtering in the aerial lead. If you had 140 feet of coax, 5 cavities and a circulator in front of an ex-PMR receiver, with 10 other transmitters on site, one only 337 KHz away, and could receive at the same time as you transmit through the same aerial, it would be a fair contest!
"I dont like these telephone QSO's, they're not real radio"
This dig is used at least once per QSO by certain Luddites for whom the science of radio communication is frozen somewhere in the early 1970's. Like it or not, THIS is real radio nowadays. If it's not radio, how come they have to use a radio to tell us it's not?
"Just let me reset the repeater"
Arggh! Surely 3 minutes is long enough for anyone? Even the late, great Kenneth Williams in "Just A Minute" found it difficult to speak for one minute without hesitation, deviation or repetition!
"Packet loss"
Blamed for every tiny break in received audio, whether caused by true packet loss or not. Echolink requires a steady stream or 12 packets per second, but the Internet is very variable. Like buses, the packets sometimes get delayed, then arrive all at once. This causes breaks in the audio, but nothing is lost.
"No problem"
True meaning: "You're getting jammed, and I didn't hear a thing!"
"Yes, OK"
All overs begin with these words.
"Oops!"
The speaker has just realised he uttered a profanity over the air.
"Listening from afar"
Having a wee, washing up, combing the pussy, or otherwise unable to talk. Still listening, but might not be paying attention.
"Ha ha ha"
We like plenty of this, even if it is in response to your own jokes!
"The Box"
A misnomer for the repeater - actually it's a collection of boxes, tubes, wires and "stuff". Use this term frequently in the presence of G0MJY, 'cos he hates it!
One-offs
"I've been to the doctor, and I'm now officially more seriously ill than you."
Old git #1: "I'm gonna dance on your grave!"
Old git #2: "I'm being buried at sea!"
Old git #1: "I'll wear a wet suit!"
"Is Fred Afro-Caribbean?"
"The Welsh have discovered a new use for sheep - wool."
"They don't tell you it's 4 pence a minute!"
"I bet you got your ruckles napped, I mean rackles nupped, no, rapples nucked, er... nupples racked.....Oooh, it sounds a bit rude doesn't it?"
"I use GB3KD to help me get to sleep", it never fails!"
"Twenty-five pounds for a five minute bang, it's scandalous!"
"I've only got half a braincell. If I had a whole one I'd be dangerous!"
"If I stayed off KD, I'd be institutionalised. I wouldn't be able to handle real life"
"I put custard on mine"
"I use a G5RV. After all, there's no sense in paying thousands for a rig, then using a piece of wire as an aerial!"
"I've got a sloper you know"
"I love you Trevor"
"A moose is not a cow!"
"Dave sounds like Jenny"
"Take it Mark, I'm busy screwing at the moment"
"I used to work for a gramophone record company, but it had no lasting effect... effect ... effect..."
"A week after Bonfire Night and they're still banging!"
(American:) "We have a sick joke over here too - he's in the White House."
"I don't have to cross my 'I's and dot my 'T's"
"I've got a 20 metre quarter wave vertical Willy"
"Every time I saw my wife, I went straight to her chest"
"I love you Dave"
"I'm just off to get a sausage"
"Ok Bill, rack bound to you.."
"I'll be back"
Assorted Poetry...
Mary had a little lamb.
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time the lamb got out,
She used to say, "Oh fuck it"!
Ode To Timeout Trev
Or
The Ryme Of The Ancient Amateur
There was an old man who was "really" from Highley,
Who "actually" went up to Brum every Friday.
He went on the train, again and again,
Whatever the weather, come sun, wind or rain
His pensioner's rail card taking strain out of payin'.
His bright woolly hat, with a pompom he'd don,
And top it with headphones, to keep his ears warm.
He'd bounce in his Skoda to Kiddy to park,
Then ride on the train, through Black Country so dark,
Where spears were thrown by the natives, and Mark.
Past the "monstrous carbuncle", the new Selfridges,
With the 'orrible walls which looked just like Frisbees,
Trev hurried along to the ancient rag market,
To buy a new jumper, or maybe a cardie,
Or two, "you know", because they were bargains.
And when he got home, the great mister Waldron,
Would boil up his draws in an old copper cauldron
Which was heated by coal, from a ruddy great hole,
(Which was known to his friends as the Coaley Highfields)
Where a 10 square mile plot, of good coal lay afoot
Of exceptional quality, with very low soot.
(to be continued...)
Creative Phonetics
It has long been recognised by radio amateurs that the NATO recommended phonetic language is as much use as a chocolate fireguard. Hams have invented much better ways of communicating their callsigns, combining concepts with common English words. Here are some examples: